At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
