I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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