I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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