you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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