We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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