I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
