Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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