You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
