Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
