i would punch a child for taco bell
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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