Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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