The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
