So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
