once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
