my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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