I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Semen is not good for contacts.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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