even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
