The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
