she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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