I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
