I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
