the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
