Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
