My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
