My first STD was from a foam party
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dignity is for republicans.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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