even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
