I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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