i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
