so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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