Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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