The maid of honor just puked.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
