I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
