you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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