You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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