Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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