our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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