everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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