i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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