wat bout pragnant strippers??
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
