having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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