You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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