My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's blow job season.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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