I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
