Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
