That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We left the knife in your bed.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
