Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
