he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
