The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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