maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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