just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
