Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
