i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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