If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
